Just to let you know, this is not a post about baby badgers and YES the clown baby is the stuff of my nightmares too!
Regular readers of my blog will know that I have impaired fertility.
It isn’t something that I keep a secret, it isn’t something that I’m embarrassed about, but it IS something that upsets me every single day.
I’ve just turned 29, I’ve been married for almost a year, I’m healthy and happy and I would love to have a baby. Every time my beautiful daughter says something ‘mature’, every time I notice those little bumps that have started pushing against her school shirt, I’m reminded that she is growing up so fast. This may well be my one and only child and I worry sometimes that I haven’t allowed myself to truly enjoy large chunks of her childhood because I was so sad that I would never have another baby to join her.
I’m not just just sad for me, I’m sad for Beth too. To have a little brother or sister has been her wish with every birthday candle extinguished, every wishbone, every letter to Father Christmas. I feel a huge amount of guilt that I haven’t been able to provide what she so desperately wants and it cuts like a knife that as she doesn’t yet know why, she may think that I’m actively choosing not to give her a sibling. When Phill came along, full of love and understanding, my guilt deepened, despite his best efforts.
I have alot of regrets. I regret every time she has seen me cry over a late period that ended up being just that, a late period. I regret the six months I spent so terribly sad, that although I was there with her every day, I wasn’t as ‘there’ as I could have been.
Beth is more than enough for me, I am so blessed to be her Mother, but it still hurts.
Babies and pregnant ladies DO NOT upset me. I don’t begrudge anyone else their happiness, their offspring, I just wish it was me too (seeing children not being cared for properly, infuriates me, but that’s a different post!). I love that people post pictures of babies on Facebook and that pregnant friends do not seem guarded around me; I’d HATE it to be any other way. But it is sometimes difficult when people don’t understand the situation.
In the months that have followed our wedding I have been bombarded by questions about whether or WHEN I’ll have another baby. People see it as the natural next step and so don’t think twice about asking. It happens…..all… the…. time!
People ask infront of Beth too, some even direct the question to her. That’s when I get those big blue eyes looking at me, searching for the answers that I just can’t give right there and then in the street or in a shop or at a party. I can’t tell her that no, sorry darling, it will probably never happen. I consider her childhood far to sacred to end it with that information at such a young age.
So I say non committal things like ‘maybe’ or ‘one day’ or ‘hopefully’ even though I know that it just raises my girl’s hopes and sets me up for another wave of questions the next time we meet that person. But what can you do? People don’t mean any harm and it wouldn’t do anyone any good to take offence or get upset; it isn’t their fault after all. Sometimes it’s even nice to feel just for those few moments like the answer really is ‘maybe or ‘one day’.
I am however starting to take exception to marketing. I understand that when you search for something online, it is recorded somewhere in the land of the internet and used to drive the advertising that comes your way…..but I don’t search for baby, maternity or pre-natal products…..not ever. I realise that if I sign up to a website that supplies baby stuff or targets new mums; that if I purchase nappies or baby wipes with a loyalty card then my details and the details of my purchase will be passed from company to company. Eventually those details will influence the junk mail that lands on my doormat……but I never ever buy those things.
Why then is every advertisement on my Facebook timeline related to babies and pregnancy? Why have I received an email this week inviting me to a baby club and why oh why, has a well known high street pharmacy, today sent me a coupon for money off pre-natal vitamins??
I’m not upset about this; I am annoyed! I don’t expect the whole of the advertising World to keep schtum about pregnancy, lest they accidentally offend someone with impaired fertility, but I do take exception to the way that these companies seem to think they can tell us what our priorities should be.
Like I said I don’t search for or purchase baby related stuff, so the only thing they can be basing their marketing on is my age and my marital status and I definitely saw a MASSIVE increase in these ads post-wedding. How dare they? Don’t we all have enough pressure as it is? If it were the odd thing, I probably wouldn’t notice but honestly it has been like an ambush every day for months.
It’s little wonder that so many women feel unfulfilled, despite leading enviable lives. We are constantly being coerced into buying the next big thing in shoes, technology and food fads and now… even our life choices are being pushed upon us by marketing executives!! It makes me wonder if any of us have ever truly made a personal decision in our lives?? Perhaps all of our choices have been influenced by glossy ad campaigns and the target markets that we are judged belonging to?
Perhaps if I start researching white sofas, 18-30 holidays and two seater sports cars, they’ll blooming leave me alone!?
OK rant over…..how was your day? 🙂 Sorry to be such a bore on a Friday and giving you nightmares with McDonald’s baby. Here’s some baby badgers to make it all better lol.