Worrying and Finding Solace
Today has been a terrible day.
I know that through the magic of filtered photographs and choice of positive words, I may appear to lead a charmed life and sometimes I believe it too! But I don’t. Today began well, but quickly descended into one of the worst days that I’ve had in quite a while.
I can’t explain too much. Like most people’s bad days I suppose, mine are influenced by luck, by myself and by other people. It’s the ‘other people’ part that provides me with a stumbling block when I come to write about my feelings. It isn’t fair to go into detail about the private affairs of others or to point fingers as though I am always right and if you’re having a bad day, there’s no point in giving anyone else a bad day too, right? So all I can tell you, whoever you are is that alot of things have been weighing heavy on my mind over the last few weeks and months and that like everyone, there is a limit to what I can handle with grace.
I think my biggest problem is the lack of middle ground. Life seems to be lived in peaks and troughs, with the peaks so high that everything is wonderful, the future is bright and I can’t smile enough….and the troughs so deep and so dark that it feels as though it will never be light again. There are days when I’d do anything for a boring simple life.
There are things that niggle and gnaw away at my spirit so that whenever something happens it seems to hit me like a tonne of bricks. I’m a worrier you see. I worry all the time. I worry myself sick. I worry about money and about the future; I worry about my daughter and about her happiness; I worry about my friends and the terrible times some of them are going through; I worry about my family and whether they know how much they mean to me; I worry about my husband and whether he sometimes wishes he’d married less of a worrier ;-P
I really struggle with it and when you carry all that weight around, it doesn’t take much to knock you down.
I don’t think I’m that unusual. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve comforted someone over something they’re going through and before I know it they’re talking about something completely different that has clearly been bothering them. An issue at work becomes ‘I still miss my ex’ or ‘I’m worried about the mortgage’ or ‘when I was growing up…’
People are complicated creatures. I am not how I dress, I am not the house I live in or the job that I do. I’m Rachel and I am what I’ve lived through. I am what I regret and what I hope for and so is everyone else. While we may not always count our blessings as we should, we are all fantastic at counting our sadnesses and sometimes they all come back at once.
So I’m sad tonight and I’m wallowing in it (there that was honest!). I have some poorly family members, I feel a little bit helpless and I’m worried about ‘grown up stuff’ like jobs and babies and health. Normally I’d straighten my back and brace myself against it all, always looking ahead, but today I was caught off guard. And while I’m distracted by these current issues….all those old deep rooted worries have the opportunity to punch a little hole in my armour and get through to hurt me again.
But there will be no wine, no ice cream and NO MORE TEARS! If I go to bed I won’t sleep so I’ll spend an hour or so doing what makes me feel better, makes me feel amazing. I’m going to make something: cookies, a cushion, an article; it doesn’t matter what. Somehow creating something where once there was nothing has provided solace for me my whole life and I believe it’s what keeps many of us creatives going.
When life is a little overwhelming, when the World is spinning so fast that you want to get off, when you feel like you have lost control; making something, however insignificant and controlling that, can take the edge off just enough for you to regain some perspective.
We’re all susceptible to bad days like these, because all of us carry around our problems. It isn’t weak to admit them or strong to behave as though they don’t exist: I think true strength belongs to those who acknowledge their feelings and learn how to deal with them.
Thank you so much for being here and reading my rambling. Just writing this post has made me feel so much better 🙂 I’ll be back to my best tomorrow.