There were many things I wanted to be when I was a little girl: a barrister, an artist, a pilot…my plans changed with every inch I grew. But the one thing that was never changing was my certainty that I would be a mum….and to lots of children!
Like alot of girls I played at motherhood from a very young age. Lining up my dolls, I remember deciding that ten would be a reasonable number of children to have and in my head I had names for them all. They were all girls (because boys were smelly), they’d each be born exactly 1 year apart so that they’d be close in age and I’d home school them because I didn’t want their teachers to spend more time with them that I did. I’d dress them like Phyllis and Roberta from the Railway children (not even joking) and I’d NEVER force them to brush their hair when it was knotty and hurt. ?
When you’re a child you don’t consider practicalities – you don’t have to. I didn’t really consider the partner that would help me make these daughters, how I might afford to look after them or really anything about the future, the World and how it might influence my plans. But the World did influence my plans – the World had very different plans for me.
I wasn’t quite 18 when I found out I was having Beth and just 19 when I was told that I’d likely never have another child. Looking back, it took the entirety of my twenties for me to come to terms with this. I loved being Beth’s Mum and it crippled me to think that I’d never feel that with any other child. I struggled alot – it effected my relationships, my health and the way that I parented Beth. I felt robbed and grieved every month that pregnancy passed me by.
Never in my wildest dreams had I considered that this would be my reality, but it was and there was nothing I could do about it. I spent my 20s trying to convince myself that I was ok with it – but I really wasn’t.
I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. When Beth was six I met my husband and slowly but surely we became a family. Had I not become infertile at a young age, our lives might have been very different. Perhaps Beth and I wouldn’t be so close had there been other children? Maybe I would have lived in a different town, done a different job? Phill and I would never have met? Though I wish we could have been spared the heartache, I like the life we now have and wouldn’t swap it for anyone else’s.
It’s been a journey to get to this point and we have another journey ahead of us because…
Wow! I am tearing up at my computer after writing those words!! I’ve dreamt about making this announcement for so long! I’m expecting, I have a bun in the oven, I’m knocked up, I’m with child, I’m going to have a baby….I’M PREGNANT!!
After 12 years of longing, a year of preparation, 2 general anaesthetics, 4 invasive medical procedures, 85 self administered injections (and counting), 5 melt downs and a whole lot of hoping and praying, Phill, Beth and I are finally going to be welcoming the 4th member of our family in February 2016.
I’m already rather plump because of all the medication and I LOVE it! I feel like the luckiest unlucky girl in the World! Friends…meet baby Palmer.
Now if anyone has any name suggestions, or ideas on how to relieve morning sickness that lasts all day – I’d be really grateful!